Dear Morrissey
Please advise Meg to get a tumblr theme that makes catching up easier.
Why would someone choose to read that offensive, dull, uninspired tripe? That she feels some sort of perverted kinship with me is the most absurd of all. It’s a crime that the very few truly talented people are forced to share artistic space with limitless pig shit. So, no, I will not advise some talentless whinger to make access easier, but instead, advice you not to bother at all.
Dear Morrissey
Do you ever misspell your own name? Do those double letters trip you up?
This question is making me rethink my stance on feeling fulfilled making Christmas cards with the likes of you.
Dear Morrissey
How do you feel about Weird Al?
Your continual harassment has been a thorn in my side for far too long. The ashes of pop music are scattered about our feet and your insufferable “music” says nothing to me about my life. I will never allow you take my music, my poetry, and turn it into some kind of musical stench created for insipid children. Do not contact me again.
Resentment
I resent my girlfriend. What should I do?
Pray for a coma.
Dear Morrisey,
Who would win in a fight? You or Batman? Would you kiss afterward?
I don’t really want to open questions to hateful little moppets. It’s bad enough I’m interacting with adults. But I’m feeling uncharacteristically generous, so I’ll just say that Batman, in his darkness, is a kindred spirit and therefore, we would not fight at all.
Who the heck is Morrisey?
What would Morrisey do if a bowling ball suddenly fell from the sky and landed at his feet?
That you have no idea who I am speaks to your lack of intelligence and taste. Were a bowling ball to suddenly fall from the sky and land at my feet, I could only hope it happened while I was standing by your head.
Stolen Property
WWMD if he knew one of his fans, who, while in high school, once stole a MORRISSEY PAVING sign from the front yard of a neighbor’s house and still feels aching guilt about it?
It’s pitiful, really. But something I can deeply relate to. Some of my most treasured possessions are books and photographs of tragic icons. There’s something very special about those who can identify with that darkness. And as for the guilt? Anything that causes agony is a good thing. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Shoplifters of the world…
I am considering buying a used car. What sorts of things should I be looking for in it, and what kind of car is going to make me look awesome (that will not cause me to live in penury)?
The only thing you should be looking for in a car is a passenger seat and the inability to withstand any impact with a double-decker bus or a ten ton truck.
Dear Morrissey,
What is the best way to deal with passive-aggressive idiots?
P.S. I know this is passive-aggressive in and of itself. How do I deal with me as well?
Passive-aggression is a wonderful thing really. It would be dishonest for me to claim otherwise. So I’d like to note a distinction between passive-aggression and “passive-aggressive idiots.” A little bit of passive-aggression can be good and is often the only weapon of the powerless. It can also be wickedly fun. But what I’d classify as “passive-aggressive idiots” are those petty, bitter cowards who want to be cunts, but are not ready or willing to be identified as cunts. They want to stir the shit without having to clean it up. And yes they are cruel and vile, so I understand your frustration. But they are also pitiful and this we must never forget. People like to call me miserable and sad and paint me as some icon of depression, but I feel. These wretched individuals are hollow, devoid of any feeling but bitterness. So the best way is to pity them, because heaven knows they’re miserable now. And then to ignore them.
As for yourself, as I said, a little bit is a good thing. And if you want to be a cunt, then be a cunt. But you have to be willing to drop the passive if called to do so, otherwise, you’re just a passive-aggressive pussy.
What if you had to have a long distance relationship with your husband for a year or more?
I can’t think of any reason why one would want to get married. We go along with this merry idea that we can somehow connect with another, but there are no harmonious relationships. It’s just soul after soul in agony. Being alone with yourself and your emotions is much more intense than anything you could get from another person. Which would only be constant disappointment. Enjoy the break that you have from your horrible mistake, before having to return to a life of misery.
Have you tried ‘Kentucky Grilled Chicken’? Is there any point to it really? I mean isn’t the crispy fried skin the best part?
You are grotesque. Vivisect yourself immediately.
Do you ever read Jezebel? Would you consider commenting?
I must confess I’m a bit of a Luddite and I didn’t know what “Jezebel” was. I thought you were asking me about some dizzy whore. As it turns out there is more than one. Would I read it again? No, I don’t think so. I’m bored with men and women. I’d like to rid the world of sex stereotypes but the focus on gender is still too limiting and restrictive. These labels do great damage and frankly I’m beyond that. I’ve always said, and still maintain, that I’m a sort of a prophet of the fourth sex.
Would I consider commenting? I can’t think of anything more ghastly than sitting around with a bunch of self-righteous whingebags.
Question
In a hot room with a duck. A Mallard to be exact. Oh, and a bottle of Ronsonol Lighting Fluid.
This is what passes for a question? I can’t imagine myself in such a situation, but were I you, I’d set the duck free and light the room on fire.
what sort of flower would you suggest for use in dancing by yourself if gladiolus (gladioli?) are not readily available?
I think flowers are very beautiful things. They are nice and innocent things, they don’t harm anybody, they do not do anything ugly. People like to say that children are innocent and beautiful, but they aren’t, are they? They are intolerably cruel. Life is intolerably cruel and flowers offer us hope. So I would say any flower that you can find. I like gladiolus and chrysanthemums, but I’ve been known to worship those who worship daffodils, so that’s an excellent choice as well.
Though these days, I’m afraid I spend more time whipping the microphone cord around than I do flowers.
Me. Me. Pick me!
…if his 9 month old puppy chewed a hole in the kitchen floor? Twice?
To be frank, I’m not sure why you even have a pet, as you clearly don’t care for it with any kind of love. My advice to you is quite simple: feed your puppy. But not Iams. We hate Iams.
